lavendertook

I'm missing our fierce, sweet, curious Kimbra aka febobe so much. I hate that I will never get to meet her as I was hoping and hug her tight, at the same time, I'm glad she is out of pain and also out of the dark times we're in and not having the multiple horrid worries about getting her lupus meds and other care under these ongoing pandemic conditions.

She had one of the most open minds I have ever known and watching her take on issues and grow, delighted and impressed me. I had such admiration for her humility and willingness to listen to criticism when any of us thought she was in the wrong on a home issue. I love how hard she was working on her writing all through dealing with her myriad health issues and hope Rhune can carry on with them and get her more widely honored. Her enthusiasm and curiosity were also a delight, as well as her kindness. I loved her thoroughly hobbity preoccupation with food, though I admit I often tuned out on reading all the details she devoted to it, though I enjoyed the idea that she was writing them all out--the shopping, and storing, cooking, eating, eating out adventures, amounts of french dressing (OK, I did read some of them!) and missed a lot of what was going on with her in the skipping. She wrote more daily than I could keep up with, and dealt with more than I could bear to read some days--how incredibly strong she was.

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Moo/Mooshka/Mooshkin
Moo Brandybuck Breakstone
PriMoola Brandybuck
Princess Holstein the Winsome

April 1, 2005 (approx) - Dec 2, 2019

Moo was fading. She wouldn't eat any of the dozens of foods I set before her, and though the rugs I put down everywhere and padded steps helped her getting around better to get to her closer water and litter box stations, her front legs were beginning to go. I was giving her subcutaneous fluids at home over the weekend, and though they make them feel better over all, she was always weaker for hours after injection of them until the imbalance of the fluid bulge dispersed.

In the middle of the night last night, her breathing started to be more labored and she peed her little bed because she didn't have the strength to get up. So in the morning I determined it was time--I was afraid she was suffering with the labored breathing. And I was getting less able to get up and help her in the middle of the night after slipping on one the rugs and falling T-Day night. I took care of Tuxie's food and insulin and loved her up some more and took her to go. Tuxie didn't want to say goodbye--her breathing scared him and he turned his back on us and looked scared when I brought her to him to say goodbye.

I sat with her a couple of hours at the vet, as it turned out, because she was busy in surgery. Moo seemed stronger, her breathing back to normal, and more alert than she had been--she meowed, and made clear she wanted something. I asked for a litterbox and a cup of water brought--it was the water she wanted and she drank a lot. The strength was all probably due to the adrenaline surge of going to the vet. Otherwise I sat with her in my arms and lap, petting her, blinking love to each other as she rested. I had second thoughts as she seemed stronger, but Dr. S told me she's probably feeling worse than weak--kidney failure makes you feel lousy and nauseous.

I had a week to love her up and she blinked it back, and laid her head in my hand and paw on my lap, and seemed comforted by being carried as she always loved, but also cleaned up. She was so willing to accept help, letting me help her position her struggling legs in walking and sitting up by her water bowls and getting her tail out of the way in the litter box and purred at being cleaned up with wipes and fluffed with towels. I don't think my Saki or most other cats I know would have accepted this much help and be comforted by it. But all I needed was for her to have a fall and injure herself further or go into respiratory arrest and go in a painful and scary way. So it was time.

I held Moo in my arms, petting her and loving her as she looked back with tired love, and the Dr gave her the drugs through a catheter as she slipped away gently and was gone before I knew it.

Moo hunted me down outside my old apartment. She'd follow me down to the town center and the gym and I'd carry her back in my arms--she'd be full of delighted purrs at this--it was always her favorite thing, along with sitting in the sun. And Tuxie, her little feral shadow kitten, would cautiously but tenaciously follow behind us. I never aspired to have a black and white cow kitty--I'm imprinted for siamese cats but tabbies and calicoes have always turned my head, too. But now I'll always feel that special affection for cow kitties.

She hunted me down and I took her in my arms and carried her and loved her and then she was gone. That was Mooshka.

I hope to be able to dig a hole deep enough in the yard to plant the apricot tree and bury her beneath it. I don't know if I have the strength to get through that much clay--I may need to find someone to hire to help. But the vet is holding her body for now until I work this out. And now I need to love up Tuxie, because his relationship with his mom was complicated, and I think he knows she was dying and is gone, but we'll get through this together.

I couldn't do a memorial post to Carrie Fisher earlier this week due to LJ shenanigans and I'm still feeling the need, so here it is. I'm just so sad to see her go so young with so much left to write and act and enjoy. Besides looking forward to seeing her play General Leia some more, and I know we already have her filmed for the next film, I read The Guardian newspaper and was looking forward to seeing her agony aunt column. Looking through pics of her, it really looked like she was becoming more and more comfortable with herself over the last few years and I wish she got to enjoy more of the fruits of her long, hard slog through mental illness to come into her own.



I came to take for granted what her iconic role as Princess Leia meant to me back when I was 15, as for so many young women of my generation.

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mews1945's spirit flew away on the high winds heralding in the autumn cold today, in a wave of the first brightly colored leaves, so attuned to the seasons as she was. I wish it weren't today and she was here longer. I wish I could have taken her to Braughers again. Safe passage, dear friend.



I can't upload some of the older pics I'd like to include, so this one will have to do for now. I love this pic of her focusing with hobbity attention on her rare ice cream treat when we saw her this spring, such a joy it was to be there with her.

Namarie, sweetie.

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I lost my Saki a year ago tonight. No, it's not so sharp anymore--she belongs to the past now. I so miss her bright sparkle in my life, but I'm so grateful she made it to 17 and I had 16 good years with her.


I think this is my favorite pic of her: Smiling Saki Owning her Mouse and Me.

I've uploaded below a 4 pic pre-digital fight sequence with her best sparring partner, her big sis Milli, who left several years before her. Maybe they are having fun sparring even now in a sunny corner in Primroses:

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Saki died 11 months ago tonight. Today would have been her 18th birthday, and 18th anniversary of her coming home with me from the PG County Shelter. She would have been old enough to vote in November. You bet she would have voted for Hillary.


Did she not look like a stuffed toy siamese cat in her middle years, especially?

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My mom died one year ago tonight. I think she did well to go then and not now--I do not think she would have liked experiencing this past year of the world. A year ago, Trump was still a joke candidate, and a total long shot. And yesterday, not to mention the past month, would have been a terrible send off for her. So it was a mercy.

More massacres. And Republicans running around without their masks on anymore. It is backlash culture--the masks off are the last ditch effort, and hopefully, November will prove that more people in the US are moving onward from there, but it's so not a sure thing that the spawn of the Koch Brothers won't prevail. I hope we can rally and get out the Democratic vote--and I hope Sanders' movement keeps momentum for pushing all branches of government to the left--if it fizzles then nothing will have been salvaged of this year.

It's unconscionable that the President has not been allowed to nominate a Supreme Court justice and I can't blame Ginsberg for losing her cool in light of this hijacking of our government by Republican thugs set on destroying our nation--she must be so demoralized by that empty seat that at the very least should have been under debate several times over by now, and the media has just buried the issue under.

My mom and I shared political views and, with all our personal differences, I rant to honor her. But today I am just really sad.

I scanned in a few more "Saki: The Early Days" pre-digital pics tonight, when she was just a tiny noodle. I sure miss that little girl. Sweet Tuxie, who loved his Saki (albeit often in a dysfunctional way), spent several minutes this evening staring at the foot rest where Saki often slept like he was seeing her there. Makes one wonder.


Making herself pretzel comfortable. Who needs yoga pants? Not Saki.

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Just missing a certain adorable little girl.


Pics from 9 years ago when we first moved into my current apartment.

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Today would have been my Mom's 83rd birthday.



Also posted at http://lavendertook.dreamwidth.org/196004.html with comments

Tonight is 6 months without Saki. Here are some of my first pics of her when I brought her home from the county shelter. Pre-digital pics. I'm still figuring out how to use a new Canon printer/scanner I got this weekend, that is way more complicated to figure out than it should be.


Basket full of love.


Comfortable on the sofa.


Sitting pretty in the bathroom window with her big wild eyes. She was a cute little kitty, but she just got more beautiful as she aged and became more steeped in love.

I miss you so much, little girl.

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Five months ago, there was a Saki. I miss you, little girl. Also posted at http://lavendertook.dreamwidth.org/193253.html with comments

Saki owned me. Here's how:


Excuse me, I want your attention.

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Also posted at http://lavendertook.dreamwidth.org/183178.html with comments

My baby is dead.

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Also posted at http://lavendertook.dreamwidth.org/182735.html with comments