Saki is gone

[lavendertook]

My baby is dead.



Her breathing continued very labored this evening and didn't settle out again after a while as it had been doing all weekend--it had been labored earlier in the evening but it got better for a while as she laid her chin on my hand, but then it got bad again and she just couldn't get comfortable and kept fleeing, so I put her in her crate, and took her to the emergency clinic. She touched my fingers through the grate a few times in a frantic way and I talked and sang to her, but on our way there about 11 pm I heard her breathing stop suddenly, and knew she was gone. They pronounced her dead at the clinic. I petted her empty body and left her with them to have her cremated and her ashes will be sprinkled along with other pets at an orchard in Pennsylvania. claudia603, I sent her wrapped in the wool blankie you made her that she loved to sit on.

Maybe if I didn't hesitate and left earlier, she could have been saved, but it was just as likely she could have been poked and prodded, and then died alone in a cage kept all night under observation. I hesitated because of that, because I didn't know if being seen by a vet who didn't know her would help, and that her symptoms weren't different than the vet tech saw yesterday at our vets when Saki choked up before she gave her the sub cut fluids, and I didn't want to put her through more poking and perhaps being left for overnight observation in a strange metal place alone that might not have been able to help anyway, and she had been so up and down this weekend, though the downs were getting longer, and I was hoping she could hold out to be seen by her doctor tomorrow to know if the throat stitches could come out.

I hate that she suffered a lot this weekend, but she also purred some and I brushed her a lot and we cuddled this morning and I am so glad I slept on the futon next to her the last 2 nights, and I stroked her as she rested her head in my hand this evening. Maybe it was not worse than dying unconscious in surgery or being peacefully euthanized. Like the cats I had euthanized, Gabby and Milli, she told me it was time, and for them it was right and peaceful as I held them--but Saki, it IS like her forceful self to leave on her own terms and not wait to be euthanized. And we were still together at the end.

But my heart is so broken. She is so wrapped around it. 17 is a ripe age, and for the last few years, I feared losing her many times and at those times did not expect her to get this far--every day was a gift, but I so wanted her to be here healthy and happy longer still. Still, I was treating all last week like my possible last week with her with knots in my stomach all week--I knew what surgery can mean. But I also knew what a big ass fast-growing tumor could do as well, so we had to try. Oh, my clever, loving, empathetic, determined, and adorable little girl, bringer of the extreme cute, I miss you so so so much. I am going to miss all the wonderful things you did and were. She was truly an amazing being.

Tuxie is beside me. I don't know when he will realize she is gone for good or how it will be for him--he adored her.

No more Sakiness. How can there be no more Saki? My world is immensely shrunken.


Also posted at http://lavendertook.dreamwidth.org/182735.html with comments

Comments

[verangel.livejournal.com]

Couldn't sleep tonight and logged in to see this very heart wrenching news. I am so sad for your aching heart. Saki was so special and so adored. That is something you can be assured of in that she knew she was loved every day. I wish I could hug you. I'll be thinking of you and kitties. Xoxo v

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Thank you. She took such good care of me--such a socially smart cat who joyed in wrapping me around her little paw. Yes, she was told she was loved every single day and made me feel so loved. Cyber hugs are welcome. *hugs* Moo and Tuxie are loves, but I am so lonely without my Saki.

[claudia603.livejournal.com]

My heart hurts so much to see this news this morning. I am crying. Saki was special. To me, to you, to everyone. For me, she was Helo's other half and I cuddled and met her before I even met Helo. A gorgeous, shining girl with the blue eyes. I'm so sorry. I know the emptiness is devastating. She had the best possible care under you and you were the best possible kitty mommy for her so I know she felt loved and taken care of at the end. ***big big hugs***

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

*hugs back tight* I know we were lucky to have 16 years and one month to the day together. She had me wrapped around her little paw in the best possible way--I know you know this about meezers. And we were listening to each other when she took her last breath. Her Doc just called to give his condolences and confirmed that if she was already asphyxiating, there was not anything they could have done for her at the clinic that would have worked in the long run and would have given her so much more misery. We spent a couple of hours our last evening together before her breathing got worse, much like we spent our first when I met her at the shelter and took her out of her cage--with her head resting in my hand. I just miss her so badly.

[jan-u-wine.livejournal.com]

I couldn't ever say anything better than what Claudia just said. Your beautiful friend could not have possibly had better care (her entire life, but even more especially so this past week). May her lovely, indomitable spirit support you. *hugging you tight*

jan

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight* It's so hard to stop the second guessing to add to the pain of her being gone--I'm trying to stop. I miss her so much. Her voice and her eager gaze. Her paw clutching my hand.

[cali-se.livejournal.com]

What a wonderful connection you had. I'm so very sorry. *hugs*

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

*hugs* It was. She was very good to me.

[mews1945.livejournal.com]

I'm heartbroken for you, my dear. It's so hard to lose a friend like her.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Nothing worse can happen to me now. Eventually that will be a freeing feeling. I miss her so much.

[romeny.livejournal.com]

{{Big hugs}}

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

[lbilover.livejournal.com]

Oh Carole, I'm heartbroken for you. Saki was very special and I know how much she meant to you. I feel privileged to have gotten to meet her. But such a tremendous spirit will never truly be gone. She will always be there, wrapping her love around you. ((((((((((You))))))))))

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight* You've been through it too these pat couple of years. I miss her paw clutching my hand and her voice. I love Moo and Tuxie, but the home will be too quiet now.

[addie71.livejournal.com]

I am so, so sorry to hear your news. *hug tight*

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight* It's so hard to be without her.

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

Oh my friend, I am so sorry. All my condolences.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Thank you. She was my little girl--I can't stand being without her.

[baranduin.livejournal.com]

My heart is breaking with you for your sweet girl.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

I'm at work today--I won't get much done, but I don't think I would have succeeded at self care today if I as off again. Her voice was such a happy thing and hr paw clutching my hand, and stretched over my keyboard.

[hanarobi.livejournal.com]

I am so very very sorry. You talked about her so much and made her wonderfulness real to so many of us. You have lost a truly wonderful cat. My heart is breaking for you. But she had such an incredibly good life with you. No kitty, not even my own, were cared for more lovingly.

The days to come will be hard and so full of grief and loss. I pray that you find solace in the knowledge that she knew how much you loved her.

Smudge sends his regards. He assures me that Saki is in a good place now and that she is free from pain. But she misses being with you.

[baranduin.livejournal.com]

Tonks would like to confirm what Smudge said. She says she has welcomed Saki over the Rainbow Bridge and they're waiting for us though we're to take our time.

[ink-gypsy.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You shouldn't second guess yourself about what you should have done differently because I know you did everything right. There are just some things we have no control over. I hope you can take comfort in the wonderful life Saki had because of you.*hugs*

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm trying not to--it's hard for me not to and I know I shouldn't add that to the grief of how much sorrow I feel for the suffering she did have and that I can't stand losing her and being in a post-saki world. Thank you so much. *hugs*

[shirebound]

I gasped out loud when I saw your post, dear one, and now I'm in tears. I had to break my no-typing rule for this week to join you and wrap my heart around yours. I can't imagine being a better mommy than you were to Saki. She adored you, and will always be with you as her healthy spirit-self sleeps beside you and dreams with you and gently comforts your heart.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

I"m at work because I think I'd do a worse job of taking care of myself at home today, but I'm crying with you. I miss my little girl so much, how she held my had and stretched her paw over the keyboard and her Stevie Nicks meow, and her squeaks, and eager face, and love of being carried in her pirate ship, and her cheek against my hand, and how she'd totally uncat-like get off the toilet seat cover when I'd ask her politely and sit down on the bathmat over the tub. Hug your little girl tight for me. *hugs*

[mechtild.livejournal.com]

Jan-u-wine sent me an email telling me the bad news, Lavender. I am out in CA for the funeral of my last uncle, such a lovely man. But it is reading your post, your testimony of love and care and caring, the love shared, cat and human, that has made me weep. How your heart is aching, unavoidably aching, aching from great love.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Oh thank you, my friend. I'm so sorry about your uncle. But i know some people will feel worse of me that losing my Mom in July was very hard, but this is the hardest--she was my loving little girl. You know what it is to be owned by a meezer. I don't want to be in a post-Saki world. I know 17 is a good ripe age so I can't be greedy and ask for more--I just wish her passing could have been easier on her, as I'm grateful it wasn't harder for her. I miss her voice so much and her eager face, and her grabbing my hand to lick it and her always ready purr--she even managed a bit of a purr on her last day.

[febobe.livejournal.com]

OMG. *cries with you* I am so, so, so sorry. I am sure Saki treasured these final days with you, as you did with her. And I know she must have felt so very, very loved, as she was.

Prayers for you and Tuxie and all as your precious little family grieves.

Love and hugsnugs,
Febobe :(

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

*hugs and tears* Thank you, my friend. She suffered a lot this weekend, but she also purred at times, and we shared a lot of love with her resting her head in my hand--there was still sweet with the bitter, so maybe she needed the 2 days after surgery to say goodbye and she wasn't left on tubes in a cold cage and I spent every moment I could with her. She was such a love.

Moo had noticed she has unshared access to me when I step out of the shower and was there to enjoy it this morning--I don't know if she will feel any loss--it is her chance to have . Tuxie had been looking at the futon for her--I can't tell yet if he's grieving or what he is making of her being gone--I'm sure he will miss being groomed by her--I'll be keeping an eye on him.

[ancalime8301]

Oh, hon, I'm so, so sorry! Saki was such a sweetie, and I know you doted on her.

********HUGS******** My girls send their love to you and Tuxie and Moo, and my mom sends hugs, too.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Thank you, my friend. She was a sweetie, a determined sweetie and left when she had enough of it, and on her own terms. I just wish it had been a more peaceful passing for her, but I'm glad it was not alone--that much I could do. I miss her so much. *hugs*

[aliensouldream.livejournal.com]

My darling, I am so so sorry. There are tears in my eyes. I never met her but you brought her to us so well with all her personality. I will miss her too. It doesn't seem right that loving any being has such a terrible price for those nearest but you did everything and more than everything. She knew. I love you and celebrate your wonderful years together. xxx

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Thank you, my friend. *hugs* I love you, too. I'm trying to wrap my memories of her around me. I miss her so.

[pathvain-aelien.livejournal.com]

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Hugs.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Thank you. *hugs gratefully*

[hanarobi.livejournal.com]

Just checking in. The first few days are such a blur of grief. But then, it all hits again. You are still in my thoughts. As is Saki.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Oh, they are. Thank you so much. *hugs* I've gotten to the other side of self-battery, and that I'm not a god who could have prevented her all suffering, and together we did do our best. But I hate being without her so much. Thank Sophie and Tonks for taking care of her for me.

[grey-wonderer.livejournal.com]

Oh, it breaks my heart to read this. I am so sorry. I know how you loved her. Don't second guess yourself. I know you did what you felt was right for her. You did all you could and more. (Hugs). My thoughts are with you. Remember that she had a great life and you were arnd are a wonderful kitty parent.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thank you. She was such spirit. We wrung all the love out of our time together that we could. I miss her so much.