Discomfort in All Women Mostly White SF&F/Nerd/Geek Spaces

[lavendertook]

It's not just Readercon and it's not only sexual harassment and the sexism that creates the environment for it. It's not just men in sf&f/nerd/geek spaces and the casual acceptance of sexual harassment that has made those spaces uncomfortable for me, and makes staying at home with the cats and talking with my friends online the better social option. Earlier this summer, I went to a local meet up for geek women, and "geek" here does seem to mean "fandom". It was a nice enough group, the organizer was fun, and I wanted to go again.

Then a couple of weeks ago, the organizer, who appears to be white (as did all the group at the meetup I attended, though there are a few women of color on the meetup list who weren't in attendance) made a racist and ableist comment meant to be a joke on the group mailing list/message board. And I've been debating whether to say something, which my hunch says will not be well received, or if I should just save the energy and walk away from the group, which would be the easier thing to do. I already skipped the last meet up.

I decided to give sociability and communicating about my discomfort with the racist/ableist comment a go, though I did focus more on the racist part of it. Below is the email I sent the organizer yesterday afternoon. I took a note from Jay Smooth and decided to leave out the "r'" word. If you think there's a gentler way I could have gotten my point across, and want to share to help me in future situations, please let me know. I've been in this position many times in the past in plenty of places and will be in it again many times in the future. And I don't always have the choice to stay home with the cats when it's not an optional social space like fandom, but instead a place of employment, for instance. So here's what I sent her, sans greeting, quote of the comment, and closure:

I really like you and your sense of fun, but I'm totally squicked out by this kind of making fun of real groups of people and it's turning me off from wanting to be in this group. I know you don't mean any harm, but it still makes me uncomfortable, and I may not be the only one. If the group was more diverse, we might be able to develop a language for trading humor from our own ethnicities, but that does take a lot of time and comfort to develop, and may not be possible with a group that has a shifting membership. I don't think it's a good idea to assume that comfort level from the get go--it usually prevents a group from getting more diverse and restricts a group to a white majority--I've seen this happen a lot--and I don't think that's what you're aiming for at all. Does that make sense? There really is so much else we can joke about being human that doesn't hit on ethnicity or disability.

I suspect the line might have been an inside reference to some bad movie, but this email list is not restricted to the people who saw it, and we just might not all be comfortable with the line in or out of context if we did see it. I'd like to stay and know my comfort level mattered here. I wish there was a shorter way to say this. I decided to try talking about this rather than just fade away without trying, and hope you'll understand.

I took out of the email a part where I talked about my own identity and dealing with racism because the above was long enough, it's complicated, and I'm not sure it would have helped. Making an email too long can be burdensome and make it less well received. Yeah, I'm always the editor. I'll let you know whether or not I get a reply and whether it goes well or not.

Lastly, what is it with white people who aren't white supremacists saying stupid shit that achieves the same result white supremacists are aiming for? Because it makes it hard to tell the difference sometimes.

If your sf/f con has a mostly white attendance, you can rest assured a lot of shit like this has been going on; i.e., what I'm dealing with here applies to every sf/f con I know of or there would be more people of color attending, and this is the mild end on the racial harassment spectrum. And white people really need to expend a couple of brain cells and come up with humor that does not rely on a lazy application of stereotypes of people who are not exactly like them or just serves to remind people standing in the corner already just how marginal they are in the larger group. It's not all that different from what women of all colors have been asking men of all colors to do as part of curbing cultures of sexual harassment.

Addendum: And I just got my answer tonight:

You've been removed from Girls Geek Night Out (GGNO).

And she closed the group's membership to new members, leaving me a note:

Sorry - this group is closing down. The meetup.com world is just not ready for the awesomely awesome girls of GGNO.

*watches the circling wagons of white women* OK then! There ya go.

Comments

[spiralsheep]

Your email reads to me like the very careful opening of a negotiation. The GGNOorganiser's response does indicate a tendency towards implosion that's probably best kept away from your social circles. I understand your disappointment but at least you didn't put more effort over a longer period into that relationship. There will be other opportunities.

My recent record: one group I left (after having clearly explained why to the whole group), one incident I ignored and am still in that group but avoiding the individual responsible on the grounds that my fun > her education (as long as it stays fun for me).

Sometimes it's worth [action] and sometimes it's not. Look after yourself, bb!

[lavendertook]

Your email reads to me like the very careful opening of a negotiation.

Is that a good approach, do you think? I did genuinely like her, but perhaps my statement of that didn't sound genuine? Not that I think there was any approach that would have achieved better results here.

And another question, if you have time for it--what do you mean by implosion? She seemed to be acting out rather than falling inward to me. Another person on my flist used the term, so I googled to see if it was a psychological term I'm missing, but I didn't find anything helpful.

Do you think anyone in the group you left got anything from your explanation, and did anyone reach out to support you? I hope the one you're avoiding does not get in your way with another incident.

Thank you, my friend. <3

ILU, BB!

[spiralsheep]

I think trying to open a negotiation shows that you're willing to put effort into a continuing relationship BUT expect useful input from the person you're relating to (cos, bb, that's how healthy relationships work). It seems to me that it's as gentle and undemandy as you could be in that situation once you'd decided to act. Implosion (in this context): expressing aggression in a relationship through passive means (the usual would be cutting people and creating unpleasant atmospheres and... DENIABILITY!!1!!). Explosion (in this context): expressing aggression in a relationship through active means (e.g. ad hominem attacks on or about someone, lashing out in any other way). As you know, I'm into healthy anger as a positive motivating energy for change but I've never claimed it's easy to practice. There is, of course, a possiblity that she has mental health problems that prevent her having healthy relationships BUT (1) someone incapable of fairly consistent basic healthy relationships is probably unsuitable as a group facilitator (although, let's be honest, this rarely stops people cos abuse and lack of self-knowledge we humans haz them), and (2) people are responsible for managing their own mental health problems (or appointing a designated driver for when they can't deal, e.g. I've been a volunteer mental health advocate, I've had someone successfully negotiate with me via an advocate/friend after I inadvertantly triggered them, and I've used a volunteer advocate at an official meeting with a problematic government representative) and mental illness DOESN'T entitle anyone to damage other people (you made your lack of consent for a damaging relationship clear). Although I'm just covering all the obv possibilities (cos I understood you to be asking for discussion :-P ) and she was probably merely an arse.

Do you think anyone in the group you left got anything from your explanation, and did anyone reach out to support you?

Oh, bb, that's a looong story and we'd need alcohol and chocolate, hee! The calling-out went better than most but that's because I'm unusually skilled (offline only) at explaining and demonstrating healthy relationship. The group were also unusual and, individually, mostly capable of responding appropriately to my calling out of their chosen-leader-in-whom-they-had-some-investment. One woman, who subsequently admitted she is a mildly self-punishing perfectionist, accused me of demanding perfection from the group leader (lol, no, I never set standards I couldn't aim for myself!). One of the group leader's two minions demonstrated hostile body language towards me and hugged his leader (which was sweet-ish but misplaced loyalty). I didn't return to the group (as I was attending to acquire skill not to educate people in group facilitation) and didn't ask for or receive a refund of my course fee (£48, which I could afford as a penalty for my foolishness in signing up for a group someone I trust had already subtly flagged to me AND that I'd been dubious about during my one previous encounter).

I hope the one you're avoiding does not get in your way with another incident.

I'm in a position to avoid finding out (which is why I'm still in). My problematic person is elderly, a product of mainstream prejudices, and not, afaik, a person of ill intent. I shall resort to my tried and tested strategy of out-living her!!1!! (Although I recently realised I'm now to old for this to apply in as many cases as I might like and I need a new strategy... ;-)

ILU, BB!