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It's not just Readercon and it's not only sexual harassment and the sexism that creates the environment for it. It's not just men in sf&f/nerd/geek spaces and the casual acceptance of sexual harassment that has made those spaces uncomfortable for me, and makes staying at home with the cats and talking with my friends online the better social option. Earlier this summer, I went to a local meet up for geek women, and "geek" here does seem to mean "fandom". It was a nice enough group, the organizer was fun, and I wanted to go again.
Then a couple of weeks ago, the organizer, who appears to be white (as did all the group at the meetup I attended, though there are a few women of color on the meetup list who weren't in attendance) made a racist and ableist comment meant to be a joke on the group mailing list/message board. And I've been debating whether to say something, which my hunch says will not be well received, or if I should just save the energy and walk away from the group, which would be the easier thing to do. I already skipped the last meet up.
I decided to give sociability and communicating about my discomfort with the racist/ableist comment a go, though I did focus more on the racist part of it. Below is the email I sent the organizer yesterday afternoon. I took a note from Jay Smooth and decided to leave out the "r'" word. If you think there's a gentler way I could have gotten my point across, and want to share to help me in future situations, please let me know. I've been in this position many times in the past in plenty of places and will be in it again many times in the future. And I don't always have the choice to stay home with the cats when it's not an optional social space like fandom, but instead a place of employment, for instance. So here's what I sent her, sans greeting, quote of the comment, and closure:
I really like you and your sense of fun, but I'm totally squicked out by this kind of making fun of real groups of people and it's turning me off from wanting to be in this group. I know you don't mean any harm, but it still makes me uncomfortable, and I may not be the only one. If the group was more diverse, we might be able to develop a language for trading humor from our own ethnicities, but that does take a lot of time and comfort to develop, and may not be possible with a group that has a shifting membership. I don't think it's a good idea to assume that comfort level from the get go--it usually prevents a group from getting more diverse and restricts a group to a white majority--I've seen this happen a lot--and I don't think that's what you're aiming for at all. Does that make sense? There really is so much else we can joke about being human that doesn't hit on ethnicity or disability.
I suspect the line might have been an inside reference to some bad movie, but this email list is not restricted to the people who saw it, and we just might not all be comfortable with the line in or out of context if we did see it. I'd like to stay and know my comfort level mattered here. I wish there was a shorter way to say this. I decided to try talking about this rather than just fade away without trying, and hope you'll understand.
I took out of the email a part where I talked about my own identity and dealing with racism because the above was long enough, it's complicated, and I'm not sure it would have helped. Making an email too long can be burdensome and make it less well received. Yeah, I'm always the editor. I'll let you know whether or not I get a reply and whether it goes well or not.
Lastly, what is it with white people who aren't white supremacists saying stupid shit that achieves the same result white supremacists are aiming for? Because it makes it hard to tell the difference sometimes.
If your sf/f con has a mostly white attendance, you can rest assured a lot of shit like this has been going on; i.e., what I'm dealing with here applies to every sf/f con I know of or there would be more people of color attending, and this is the mild end on the racial harassment spectrum. And white people really need to expend a couple of brain cells and come up with humor that does not rely on a lazy application of stereotypes of people who are not exactly like them or just serves to remind people standing in the corner already just how marginal they are in the larger group. It's not all that different from what women of all colors have been asking men of all colors to do as part of curbing cultures of sexual harassment.
Addendum: And I just got my answer tonight:
You've been removed from Girls Geek Night Out (GGNO).
And she closed the group's membership to new members, leaving me a note:
Sorry - this group is closing down. The meetup.com world is just not ready for the awesomely awesome girls of GGNO.
*watches the circling wagons of white women* OK then! There ya go.
Then a couple of weeks ago, the organizer, who appears to be white (as did all the group at the meetup I attended, though there are a few women of color on the meetup list who weren't in attendance) made a racist and ableist comment meant to be a joke on the group mailing list/message board. And I've been debating whether to say something, which my hunch says will not be well received, or if I should just save the energy and walk away from the group, which would be the easier thing to do. I already skipped the last meet up.
I decided to give sociability and communicating about my discomfort with the racist/ableist comment a go, though I did focus more on the racist part of it. Below is the email I sent the organizer yesterday afternoon. I took a note from Jay Smooth and decided to leave out the "r'" word. If you think there's a gentler way I could have gotten my point across, and want to share to help me in future situations, please let me know. I've been in this position many times in the past in plenty of places and will be in it again many times in the future. And I don't always have the choice to stay home with the cats when it's not an optional social space like fandom, but instead a place of employment, for instance. So here's what I sent her, sans greeting, quote of the comment, and closure:
I really like you and your sense of fun, but I'm totally squicked out by this kind of making fun of real groups of people and it's turning me off from wanting to be in this group. I know you don't mean any harm, but it still makes me uncomfortable, and I may not be the only one. If the group was more diverse, we might be able to develop a language for trading humor from our own ethnicities, but that does take a lot of time and comfort to develop, and may not be possible with a group that has a shifting membership. I don't think it's a good idea to assume that comfort level from the get go--it usually prevents a group from getting more diverse and restricts a group to a white majority--I've seen this happen a lot--and I don't think that's what you're aiming for at all. Does that make sense? There really is so much else we can joke about being human that doesn't hit on ethnicity or disability.
I suspect the line might have been an inside reference to some bad movie, but this email list is not restricted to the people who saw it, and we just might not all be comfortable with the line in or out of context if we did see it. I'd like to stay and know my comfort level mattered here. I wish there was a shorter way to say this. I decided to try talking about this rather than just fade away without trying, and hope you'll understand.
I took out of the email a part where I talked about my own identity and dealing with racism because the above was long enough, it's complicated, and I'm not sure it would have helped. Making an email too long can be burdensome and make it less well received. Yeah, I'm always the editor. I'll let you know whether or not I get a reply and whether it goes well or not.
Lastly, what is it with white people who aren't white supremacists saying stupid shit that achieves the same result white supremacists are aiming for? Because it makes it hard to tell the difference sometimes.
If your sf/f con has a mostly white attendance, you can rest assured a lot of shit like this has been going on; i.e., what I'm dealing with here applies to every sf/f con I know of or there would be more people of color attending, and this is the mild end on the racial harassment spectrum. And white people really need to expend a couple of brain cells and come up with humor that does not rely on a lazy application of stereotypes of people who are not exactly like them or just serves to remind people standing in the corner already just how marginal they are in the larger group. It's not all that different from what women of all colors have been asking men of all colors to do as part of curbing cultures of sexual harassment.
Addendum: And I just got my answer tonight:
You've been removed from Girls Geek Night Out (GGNO).
And she closed the group's membership to new members, leaving me a note:
Sorry - this group is closing down. The meetup.com world is just not ready for the awesomely awesome girls of GGNO.
*watches the circling wagons of white women* OK then! There ya go.
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i've been blessed to have not come across this type of behavior. maybe i'm a good judge of character because all my fandom geek girls are the best! but it's sad to know this kind of talk has remained after all this time and will remain.