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My baby is dead.
Her breathing continued very labored this evening and didn't settle out again after a while as it had been doing all weekend--it had been labored earlier in the evening but it got better for a while as she laid her chin on my hand, but then it got bad again and she just couldn't get comfortable and kept fleeing, so I put her in her crate, and took her to the emergency clinic. She touched my fingers through the grate a few times in a frantic way and I talked and sang to her, but on our way there about 11 pm I heard her breathing stop suddenly, and knew she was gone. They pronounced her dead at the clinic. I petted her empty body and left her with them to have her cremated and her ashes will be sprinkled along with other pets at an orchard in Pennsylvania.![[personal profile]](https://s.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
claudia603, I sent her wrapped in the wool blankie you made her that she loved to sit on.
Maybe if I didn't hesitate and left earlier, she could have been saved, but it was just as likely she could have been poked and prodded, and then died alone in a cage kept all night under observation. I hesitated because of that, because I didn't know if being seen by a vet who didn't know her would help, and that her symptoms weren't different than the vet tech saw yesterday at our vets when Saki choked up before she gave her the sub cut fluids, and I didn't want to put her through more poking and perhaps being left for overnight observation in a strange metal place alone that might not have been able to help anyway, and she had been so up and down this weekend, though the downs were getting longer, and I was hoping she could hold out to be seen by her doctor tomorrow to know if the throat stitches could come out.
I hate that she suffered a lot this weekend, but she also purred some and I brushed her a lot and we cuddled this morning and I am so glad I slept on the futon next to her the last 2 nights, and I stroked her as she rested her head in my hand this evening. Maybe it was not worse than dying unconscious in surgery or being peacefully euthanized. Like the cats I had euthanized, Gabby and Milli, she told me it was time, and for them it was right and peaceful as I held them--but Saki, it IS like her forceful self to leave on her own terms and not wait to be euthanized. And we were still together at the end.
But my heart is so broken. She is so wrapped around it. 17 is a ripe age, and for the last few years, I feared losing her many times and at those times did not expect her to get this far--every day was a gift, but I so wanted her to be here healthy and happy longer still. Still, I was treating all last week like my possible last week with her with knots in my stomach all week--I knew what surgery can mean. But I also knew what a big ass fast-growing tumor could do as well, so we had to try. Oh, my clever, loving, empathetic, determined, and adorable little girl, bringer of the extreme cute, I miss you so so so much. I am going to miss all the wonderful things you did and were. She was truly an amazing being.
Tuxie is beside me. I don't know when he will realize she is gone for good or how it will be for him--he adored her.
No more Sakiness. How can there be no more Saki? My world is immensely shrunken.
Also posted at http://lavendertook.dreamwidth.org/182735.html with
comments
Her breathing continued very labored this evening and didn't settle out again after a while as it had been doing all weekend--it had been labored earlier in the evening but it got better for a while as she laid her chin on my hand, but then it got bad again and she just couldn't get comfortable and kept fleeing, so I put her in her crate, and took her to the emergency clinic. She touched my fingers through the grate a few times in a frantic way and I talked and sang to her, but on our way there about 11 pm I heard her breathing stop suddenly, and knew she was gone. They pronounced her dead at the clinic. I petted her empty body and left her with them to have her cremated and her ashes will be sprinkled along with other pets at an orchard in Pennsylvania.
claudia603, I sent her wrapped in the wool blankie you made her that she loved to sit on.Maybe if I didn't hesitate and left earlier, she could have been saved, but it was just as likely she could have been poked and prodded, and then died alone in a cage kept all night under observation. I hesitated because of that, because I didn't know if being seen by a vet who didn't know her would help, and that her symptoms weren't different than the vet tech saw yesterday at our vets when Saki choked up before she gave her the sub cut fluids, and I didn't want to put her through more poking and perhaps being left for overnight observation in a strange metal place alone that might not have been able to help anyway, and she had been so up and down this weekend, though the downs were getting longer, and I was hoping she could hold out to be seen by her doctor tomorrow to know if the throat stitches could come out.
I hate that she suffered a lot this weekend, but she also purred some and I brushed her a lot and we cuddled this morning and I am so glad I slept on the futon next to her the last 2 nights, and I stroked her as she rested her head in my hand this evening. Maybe it was not worse than dying unconscious in surgery or being peacefully euthanized. Like the cats I had euthanized, Gabby and Milli, she told me it was time, and for them it was right and peaceful as I held them--but Saki, it IS like her forceful self to leave on her own terms and not wait to be euthanized. And we were still together at the end.
But my heart is so broken. She is so wrapped around it. 17 is a ripe age, and for the last few years, I feared losing her many times and at those times did not expect her to get this far--every day was a gift, but I so wanted her to be here healthy and happy longer still. Still, I was treating all last week like my possible last week with her with knots in my stomach all week--I knew what surgery can mean. But I also knew what a big ass fast-growing tumor could do as well, so we had to try. Oh, my clever, loving, empathetic, determined, and adorable little girl, bringer of the extreme cute, I miss you so so so much. I am going to miss all the wonderful things you did and were. She was truly an amazing being.
Tuxie is beside me. I don't know when he will realize she is gone for good or how it will be for him--he adored her.
No more Sakiness. How can there be no more Saki? My world is immensely shrunken.
Also posted at http://lavendertook.dreamwidth.org/182735.html with
Tags:
- health,
- heart hurts,
- paths,
- rip,
- saki
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jan
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At the end of the day, we are only beating ourselves up for no good reason. You did the very best you could for someone you love. That is all any of us can do.
Remember Frodo, who thought he failed? He never did. And neither, my friend, did you. We all could be better, braver, stronger, etc. etc....and etc.
But that is not what is required. What is required is that we, with true hearts, try our hardest. That is what you did. And your Saki knew that. She rested her soul as readily as her head in your protection.
I can't tell you not to grieve. You should. But please don't twine it with guilt, for that should not be your burden.
Be at peace. Saki would wish it so.
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I think the military tribunal in my head is done torturing me now and the Congressional review has filed its report--it's just big gobs of missing her now and wishing she had been free of suffering, but no mortal is--I just wish she were still here.
I don't know if Tuxie is mourning, but he is missing her and has been looking at her places and I think perhaps confused by her being gone, and is by my side, and I am grateful to share comfort with him.
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I'm not sure what sort of emotive abilities any animals have. I think we 'assign' emotions to them because we see them acting/reacting in ways that we would. At the end of the day, though, there is Tuxie, comforting you with his presence and his Saki-awareness, and there are you, wrapping a mother's arms around an orphan.
It's how it should be, no matter what the reason.
May your heart find peace.
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Tuxie is cuddling a little more with me on and off, so I think he is seeking the contact he's lost with his occasional comfort seeking with Saki, and it is a little bit of comfort for me when he seeks it. I am keeping an eye on him.
No, I have ended the tribunal. I couldn't risk Saki having a sad slow decline when the surgery could have prevented that and given her more better time. it failed, but we did our best, and it at least prevented the slow wasting away in growing pain. We wrung all the love we could out of the time we had together and I worked very hard to get us there the last 3 years. And that will be a comfort in time. Now it's just the awful ache of missing my Saki joy.
Thank you. And for being here and comforting me.
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The days to come will be hard and so full of grief and loss. I pray that you find solace in the knowledge that she knew how much you loved her.
Smudge sends his regards. He assures me that Saki is in a good place now and that she is free from pain. But she misses being with you.
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When Sophie died, the thought that she was with Tonks was so very comforting. Please find comfort that your Saki is with Tonks and Sophie, just as Lora says.
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She would also like to invite Milli, a gorgeous cali-tabby who was a gentle big sister to her who we lost 8 years ago, and whom Saki liked to annoy, but scandalized and fascinated Milli with the things she could come up with. Milli liked being scandalized. Milli is saying to Saki, "Oh thank goodness you are here! Now YOU can deal with Stormie. Is there cream? I should like to have some, if that is alright"
Stormie was my first kitty of my own, the owner of my younger heart, a tiny beautiful seal point siamese who was somewhat like Saki but hyped up on speed. She will be watched by Saki out of the corner of her eyes.
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it will take a little while for Saki to be herself with the recovering.
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Thank you. It hurts so much to be without her. When I second guess things, I just remind myself that anything else most likely would have put her through more suffering--the way she went was best.
She is free from pain. Thank him for me.
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How are Charles and Elsa?
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All my family cats were/are siamese. The first siamese I grew up lived to be 14 and was pretty healthy until near the end and died from kidney disease. Our next, Pyewacket only made it to 9 with cancer, but then we got a brother and sister siamese, Yoda and Turandot, who both made it to 18, though Turie had hyperthyroidism for only a couple of years before the end. Then they got 2 sister siameses, who are 10 now and live with my brother.
I love Moo and Tuxie, but they are domestic shorthairs and are so quiet and less socially smart. But I'm only allowed 2 cats here, so Tuxie has been here on the sly. Now we are legal with only 2 and I can relax about that. I'm going to be hurting without my spirited Saki meezer for a long, long time. She was such a love. Much pic spam of her will be following on this journal for a little while. I have a great many I never posted.
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I just posted some pics of Saki--I'll be doing a lot of that in the coming days to comfort myself. I'm hoping some of the fur on my screen and keyboard cover is hers.
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Yes, we got the kittens to be company for Angelo (your memory for names is excellent!) after Pixie and Raoul died within months of each other. Angelo got to like the kittens but died the following year himself.
I, too, hope Elsa and Charles make it past the Fatal Nine, in spite of their propensity to oral disease. We've got our fingers crossed, they are such characters and such affectionate cats.
I will look at your photos when I get back from my half shift at the library. Must run!
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I remember Angelo and his long suffering with the kittens--I'm glad he got to like them. The next set of pics I 'm going to post of Saki reminds me of a pic you posted of Angelo when he was in full seduction mode, like Saki is in this set.
I will cross everything for them an their longevity. I was so relieved when Saki made it through into her teens after having lost Stormie at 9. I remember when Charles and Elsa were kittens with respiratory issues, and I'm glad they got past that, and am hopeful they are self-innoculated from early waning after gainng the strength to conquer that hurdle.
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I don't remember Stormie, Lavender. When did Stormie die?
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Stormie was the first kitty of my own--a beautiful petite seal point siamese from the shelter in Chapel Hill, NC and came with me up to MD and died from IBD at 9--wasting away for 4 months while I shoved innumerable meds down her poor throat under the recommendation of a vet who was trying too hard because he lost a beloved dog when he was also in grad school. She died heaving her way out in my arms, and I lost all direct memory of her beautiful face, but that last pained look. I did my best by her, but years later I realized I put her through too much, but didn't know better at the time, so have done better by all my successive cats by what I learned.
Stormie was somewhat like Saki hyped up on speed. And quite a climber, and surprise jumper on one's back, loving, possessive in the extreme, and with an incredible range of sweet songs. She was the love of my young adult years, as Saki was the gentler love of my middle age.
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A person can feel bereft and despondent after the death of an animal companion, as can other animals can who have been that pet's companion. We certainly have seen grief and dismay from our surviving pets, when the pet who went to the vets never came back from the vets. And it went on for a good long while. (Not as long as for a dog, probably, based on people's stories, but as long as for humans, who are not typically as devoted as dogs.)
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Though Moo is not grieving, I think Tuxie is a little bit--he must miss her obsessive grooming that included him.
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I hope you will be able to let go of the "what if" scenarios. No one ever gets it right, when the ending is death. People think they make the right decisions when the outcome is continued life, but not if the outcome is death. Still, however resisted, death comes to us all, our pets and ourselves, whatever our decisions, "the Gift of the Second Born." As Arwen might have said, once she'd been left by the death of Aragorn, "Some gift!". Mortality remains our brick wall--scary, inevitable and daunting--yet, perhaps as Tolkien believed, there is, however unimaginable, a wider, deeper life on the other side of death's wall. That is my hope, even if I still find the wall "scary, inevitable and daunting".
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I just miss her so much, but I am starting to get used to the past tense now, though she will always be with me and present in my heart--but this part of my life with her present is over and a new one is beginning, the bad and the good. I'd love to not be agnostic and feel there is an afterlife, but since I've had serially possessive cats, I'm not sure how I'd keep them all feeling as centered as they needed if we were all there together--Storm and Saki would be at loggerheads, unless I could get them bonded to each other as well as me--that would be an eternal project--so how a Heaven would be a Heaven is a mystery to me. (-:
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Prayers for you and Tuxie and all as your precious little family grieves.
Love and hugsnugs,
Febobe :(
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Moo had noticed she has unshared access to me when I step out of the shower and was there to enjoy it this morning--I don't know if she will feel any loss--it is her chance to have . Tuxie had been looking at the futon for her--I can't tell yet if he's grieving or what he is making of her being gone--I'm sure he will miss being groomed by her--I'll be keeping an eye on him.
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********HUGS******** My girls send their love to you and Tuxie and Moo, and my mom sends hugs, too.
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