Peaceful Leave Taking

[lavendertook]

My mom died tonight.

I called the hospice unit right before getting ready to go to bed to ask the nurse how Mom was doing and to ask her to give my mom my love, as I've been doing these past several nights. And as the receptionist put me on hold while the nurse was with my mom, Mom took her last breath.

I saw her again last Saturday with my brother, but she did not open her eyes or speak and it is anyone's guess if she could still hear then, but I talked to her all while I was there and swabbed her lips. She had been sleeping through since Thursday night last, and on pain meds, and passed on so peacefully tonight after 14 years of battling cancer and chemo.

The phone--it was such a fraught thing with us. I'm very grateful I heard her call to share love with me at the very last.

Comments

*Hugs*

[polydad]

More *hugs*, in case title was insufficient.

Re: *Hugs*

[lavendertook]

Thank you. *hugs*

[wordweaverlynn]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

[lavendertook]

Thank you, bb.

[bibliogramma]

I'm so sorry for your loss. *hugs*

[lavendertook]

Thank you. *hugs*

[spiralsheep]

I'm sad for your loss (but glad things went reasonably smoothly at the end).

[lavendertook]

Thank you, bb. Her waiting to hear the nurses say my night time call had come to let go, the most prosaic explanation, really helped me get through the moment and I hope it made it more peaceful for her, too--it's just sad we could love each other so well in that moment, when so much of our life long relationship was wasted by her need for control. It is what it is. <3

[crantz]

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. *hugs*

I'm glad it was peaceful.

[lavendertook]

*hugs tight*

Thank you, my friend.

[hederahelix]

I'm sorry for your loss. (Some day I'm going to learn more faith-specific messages of condolence, but I'm not going to wait until I can say something really appropriate to tell you how sorry I am that you've grieving.)

{{{hugs}}}

[lavendertook]

I'm ethnically Jewish, but religiously a skeptical mystic and orthodox agnostic, so you're doing fine with me. *hugs you*

[saraqael]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[lavendertook]

Thank you, bb.

[monkey5s]

I'm sorry for your loss, but I am relieved that she is at peace now.

I'm also sorry I've been letting social media slide lately, so I only just saw this now, a week after the fact. But I expect you can still use strength for coping with the aftermath, so I am wishing some your way. Please let me know if I help you in any way!

[lavendertook]

Thank you so much, bb. I think it was as peacefully as you can go without begin able to do what the vets let us do for our pets. She was in a nice quiet room with her bodily functions cared for and good pain meds. And I do feel I felt her passing peacefully with love. She waited for me to call that evening to let go. I am grateful for that end connection.

And right now I'm flying over the Saline River in Kansas on the way to Denver to meet up with some of my hobbit posse and go up and stay in Laramie, WY for the weekend--the timing couldn't be better now. *hugs*

[hanarobi.livejournal.com]

Lora just let me know. Your post has such a sense of peace and closure. You and your brother will be in my thoughts.

My condolences on the loss of your mother.

*hugs*

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

And when my work buddy told me a couple of weeks ago to do what I needed to do to get closure in our relationship, I told her, "Closure is for fiction. It is what it is."

I was wrong. It will undoubtedly get more complicated again later because that's life--it's just the life I'm sharing with her now as long as I live is different in a way I couldn't have known.

Thank you. *hugs*

[baranduin.livejournal.com]

I hope you can sleep deeply and restoratively tonight, with only gentle dreams to soothe you. *hugs*

Welcome to the club.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the welcome. And yes, not all tears are an evil. *hugs tight*

[febobe.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey. Oh, honey, that was awful, it happening while you were stuck in hold hell, but - you had that call with her. I know it doesn't make it any easier. I know it doesn't make it hurt less. She's at peace, and I pray you will be blessed with peace in the midst of this difficult time too. <3 Hugs snugs.

Love,
Febobe <3

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

No, honey--it wasn't hold hell--the opposite. Though not knowing what it was I was ready to hang up and call again--I'm so glad I didn't. But I wouldn't for the world want that nurse to have left my mom's side as she died. The thing is, I was there with her while holding--she was saying goodbye to me. It didn't matter that we were 150 miles away. I couldn't be put on the phone with her--we couldn't vocally share with each other at that point--but she waited for me to call, and it makes me feel loved and that she felt me loving her. *snugs*

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

*hugs you so, so much*

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

*clings*

[esmeraldus-neo.livejournal.com]

Lots of hugs to you.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[grey-wonderer.livejournal.com]

(((((Hugs))))) words don't do much at a time like this but you and your family are in my thoughts.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

They do--they tell me you're thinking of me and that gives me a lot. Thank you. *snugs*

[romeny.livejournal.com]

I'll keep you and your brother in my thoughts and prayers.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Thank you os much, dear.

[ladysnaps.livejournal.com]

i'm so sorry for your loss sweetie. i know you and your brother were going through a lot with caring for your mom. hang on the comfort that she passed peacefully.

(((hugs you)))

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Thank you, sweetie. It is a comfort knowing we did the best that could be done for her and she passed peacefully, and if we had done anything differently, I wouldn't have been there with her at the very end, as close as she could let me. The sadness that we had such a connection and our relationship in life couldn't have been better is a more complicated thing.
*hugs tight*

[addie71.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your brother are in my thoughts.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Thank you, my friend.

[claudia603.livejournal.com]

oh sweetie. *hugs you tightly* I'm so sorry.

You and your family will be in my thoughts. I hope I will see you soon to hug you in person.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Thank you, bb. *clings* I look forward to seeing you in a few days.

[jan-u-wine.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. So glad that you were able to go up and see her on Saturday (my mom's nurse assured me, after she'd had her massive stroke, that she could still hear all that was being said. Even if there is no comprehension, I like to think that your voice, heard for so many years, and loved for so many years, is recognized somewhere in the deep folds of the mind, and that it brings some comfort)

Leave-taking is ......hard, no matter what the relationship has been. But harder, I think, for those who've had difficult relationships. In the moment of loss, your world changes immeasurably. I'm so glad that you were wise enough to go to her, to be with her and your brother in those last moments. It will bring you some comfort in the sad times to come. I have to think that somehow we are all so very connected....what else explains the 'coincidence' of your calling and expressing your love at the moment of her passing?

No matter how fraught, your mom loved you and you loved her. And that is, at the end of the day, what counts.

Thinking of you, dear LT, with love.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Probably comfort and annoyance both, as in the rest of life. She didn't like my voice and always wanted me to have a lower register.

We were so very connected--and it's so painful we couldn't make more of that connection in life--I wanted it so and worked many years to try to fix it, and she always pushed away, and then I had to finally push away a while to build my boundaries, and so she pushed away more--so sad. But I'm glad we connected at the very end. And my brother said it made it much easier for him to hear it from me than from the hospice staff. And she passed peacefully in the best care she could have, so that is all a comfort. We did the best we could and it mattered.

Thank you, my friend. *hugs*

[mews1945.livejournal.com]

I'm so very sorry, my dear. I hope you will find comfort in your loss. Knowing she passed peacefully while you were there on the phone must help *hug*

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

It helped a lot. I felt in another space--a bit manic, which helped me deal with everything that contacting relatives then driving up to Jersey in the morning involved. Then I crashed and grieved more Friday. *clings*

[ink-gypsy.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss, but I hope you can take comfort in your Mom passing peacefully after such a long, difficult struggle. I'm happy you had that last connection at the very end. *hugs*

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Thank you, bb. It was very peaceful, much more than end stage cancer often allows, so we were all blessed in the end. *hugs tight*

[shirebound]

I wish I was there right this second to wrap you in my arms. Be good to yourself, and I hope you can feel the love and support surrounding you right now.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

I wish so too, and I do feel it. I will see you soon! *clings*

[aliensouldream.livejournal.com]

I'm so very sorry, love. She must have been strong to come through so much. I'm sure she knew you were close and enfolding her in love. *hugs close*

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

She was all the way a fierce fighter, and as one of her childhood friends said to me the other day, "a oner."

At the most prosaic explanation, on some level she heard the nurses say I had come on the phone to check on her, and then she could let go. I do feel honored and loved by that and blessed that we helped each other at the last, to go with all the loss and grief of our complicated relationship.

[cali-se.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm so sorry for your loss. You're in my thoughts.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Thank you, dear. *hugs*

[ancalime8301]

********HUGS********

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

*hugs you*