Sexual Harassment--the testifying does matter, and an open letter

[lavendertook]

Last Friday evening, I was sexually harassed--it could be called a minor level of sexual assault--in the Dollar Store of all places, for fucks sake, and I put the fucker in his place.



I went to the Dollar Store Friday evening to get a bunch of strands of silk flowers for my town LGBT group's float in Greenbelt's Labor Day Parade, and continued hunting and gathering household items, always a relaxing activity for me. A tall guy in a scarlet red muscle shirt, kept turning up, examining things right next to me, reeeeeal close, as general American standards for personal space go, three times or so--as if you can't see a long expanse of bright red hovering beside you in your peripheral vision. I felt preyed upon, wary, and alert--not a fun kind of feeling when I was all about the chilling.

About the fourth pass, after hovering, he brushed past my side. OK, this was escalating--I wasn't just being paranoid--"I'm pretty sure I'm not being paranoid," was my thought, because you never can be one hundred percent certain with these stealth tactics. The next pass, his hand just happened to brush my butt. Not a grab, so you could be 100% certain, but I could bet the next time would be.

I snapped at his retreating back, "Don't touch me again!" and he turned as I glared at him. "I didn't do anything! Geez!" he shot back (feebly) with a taken aback look, and I hope that 1% doubt flooding me as I evaluated his response didn't show as I continued to glare at him angrily, and he muttered and stalked off.

I was in there a bit longer, finishing browsing the isles and he didn't cross my path again, and I figured he was gone--until I was standing in the checkout line and I saw him stalk out of the store, nothing in his hands. You don't spend that amount of time in a Dollar Store and walk out with nothing ever unless it wasn't the things on the shelf you were hunting for. Fucking predator. Fucking being evaluated as a thing. I was not wrong, and, intellectually, I know that 100%, due to that final piece of evidence of his empty hands, but the 1% doubt never leaves. That's what they count on. And that's what they usually capitalize on. For the ones of us who gain the sureness to tell them off, there are 5 more they can count on never speaking out.

I wonder how many other women he stalked during that time, as well. For that I am sorry I didn't feel the sureness to go to the clerk and tell her to be on the look out for him (probably not effective with a tired clerk toward the end of the day) or made a sweep to make sure he still wasn't in there bothering others. I would have had to have been up to at least a verbally abusive response if I did make him know he was being watched.

I did wind up feeling empowered by this incident instead of diminished, because I did trust my instincts and told him off, mildly in words, but I know my tone and glare got the "fuck off, you bastard!" idea across--it is good to release anger at deserving parties. This was a making-up for all those times when I was younger and was more choice prey, and just couldn't be sure of my perceptions, and didn't want to take the chance of accusing an innocent man. The thing that gets me is it's taken me 40 years to be able to respond like this. That's a lot of storing up negativity from the bullying of others not properly dispensed with--more women than not have this to deal with.

I'm not a shrinking violet--I did build up the fighter in me through my 20's to balance a timid childhood, and was early on able to fend off clear sexual harassment, but the much more prevalent stealth kind, no, it's taken me this long. But I've gotten here both from building up trust in my perceptions, that sneaky predators like this helped undermine, and the constant reminder from other women telling their experiences--a shout out to fancymcsnazsnaz--and keeping the topic in the spotlight like my vigilant friend ginmar, and all my other feminist friends, here on LJ and off--thank you all--couldn't have come to this place on my own, and you were all there with me in my glare. (-:




And now onto World Con, and Harlan Ellison sexually harassing Connie Willis and rachelmanija

And I'm telling my Friday's incident upon hearing about this Saturday night harassment account now, because WTF! Harlan Ellison! You goddamned misogynist bastard!!! Groping the wonderful, brilliant, and gracious Connie Willis on stage (I've talked with her on a couple of occasions--she's a total sweetheart) and trying to diminish another woman writer here as well? No, its not funny, no it's not little, yes, it is a diminishment of a woman's sense of safety in her own body that men impose on women that reverberates far past the women you individually prey upon (don't give me counter examples of gender reversal--they do happen--they are not systemic and under gird with normative ideology), and you owe big time.

Even if your apology wasn't smarmy and you penned a genuine one, it would not be adequate. Amends are necessary. Not just to the particular powerful women you used your position of power to attempt to diminish, but for contributing to a widespread pattern of sexist oppression--way to go for a supposedly progressive dude! The power dynamics that you have abused sets this world's apart from your well-known crank stunts.

You've got a podium. Educate yourself on sexual harrassment and use that podium to write about it and raise awareness. Make sure little fanboys who idolize you don't think this is an acceptable example to emulate, and that they can blow off afterwards. This is your responsibility.

If you have any conscience at all or desire to leave the world in better condition than when you took it up, do work to heal the mess you made now. You trespassed on another person's body, and you owe.

Comments

[mirandaflynn.livejournal.com]

What a couple of assholes. Damn, what IS it with some men and public places? Some guy grabbed Mom's crotch at the state fair one year, and I was pretty much molested at a Christmas parade when I was 16. In a way, I guess if they aren't going for flat-out rape, it's almost safer for them. Women are so conditioned not to make a scene, they aren't counting on anyone speaking back out.

Harlan Ellison is a complete tool. Some story of his, "Croatoan" I think, is anti-choice in the extreme.

And, yeah, reading Gin will help. One must think in these situations "WWGD?" :) It would probably involve the phrase "Chist on a pony".

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's school yard bullies who have graduated and making sure that women can never totally leave the humiliations of jr high behind.

[seaya.livejournal.com]

WTF?

Bleh.

btw, you should post more.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

You can say that again.

TY. I will try. (-:

[glaurung-quena.livejournal.com]

I've admired Ellison's writing for a long time and own several of his books. Reading about his actions at Worldcon have made me lose a lot of respect for him, but have also confused me.

I know from reading his non-fiction that he worked very hard in the early 70's advocating in favour of passage of the Equal Rights Amendment. He also put his money where his mouth was by refusing to speak or lecture in states where the ERA had not been ratified (unless it was to lecture specifically about the ERA). I know that his politics are definitely pro-feminist. Hence my confusion.

My best guess is that while he is intellectually feminist, his impulses are still stuck in the 30's-50's era he grew up in. Sort of like Isaac Asimov, who also grew up during the Depression, who was definitely a feminist, but whose last few novels, IMO, had a rather smarmy feel to them whenever it came time to describe a woman's body.

morgan_dhu tells me she's met men like this in real life as well -- people whose politics and opinions are pro-feminist, but who, in some way, somehow fail to apply the concepts to their day-to-day interactions with real women.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Nah, I wouldn't give him room for when he was born if he's still alive now and sharing our culture. Asimov, too, had a terrible reputation for sexual harassment. And it doesn't confuse me--it's hypocrisy. A willingness to contribute to the larger political struggle but not a willingness to curtail their own personal privilege--the harder part. Because you can choose when you want to contribute to the larger struggle, but engaging in the personal means the willingness to give up power and share it, and not always when you want to. And sometimes they use their willingness to contribute to the larger struggle as a get-out-of-privilege-free card that entitles them to demean women personally and expect them to take it as a joke, and become offended by anyone who accuses them otherwise.

[glaurung-quena.livejournal.com]

Now that I've read some of his BS justifications for his behavior, I'm less confused, and I agree with you that he's never done the hard part of making his spirit be in line with his feminist politics. Which, again, sadly, makes me lose respect for him (sadly because it's harder to enjoy the writing when you know the author isn't as progressive as he's making himself out to be).

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

And speaking of that get-out-of-sexism-free card, get a load of his latest statement:

http://wordweaverlynn.livejournal.com/303142.html?view=2659110

[womzilla.livejournal.com]

I give people some slack for bad habits learned during bad times, but there's a huge difference between "leeway" and "get out of jail free card", and one of the requirements of the leeway is owning up when one has been an asshole. Absent that, well, is what we have here: an asshole, acting like an asshole, and trying to get out of jail free.

[ide-cyan.livejournal.com]

his impulses are still stuck in the 30's-50's era he grew up in.

Way to insult the others who also grew up in that era. It's always the powerful and priviledges who seem to claim ownership of their time and who get to use it as a reference and an excuse, never the masses they've exploited, isn't it?

[glaurung-quena.livejournal.com]

I was not trying to excuse his behavior because there isn't an excuse for acting as he did. I guess what I was saying is that on the one hand there are feminist men who really get it, at an instinctual level as well as intellectually, and on the other hand there are men who call themselves feminists but who never manage to overcome their sexist cultural training. And it looks like Ellison is the latter kind rather than the former. Which makes me sad, because based on his writing I had assumed that Ellison was a feminist, and reading about what he did and what he's said about what he did makes me lose a lot of respect for him.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

I think wordweaverlynn framed this issue beautifully:

"Now, apparently Harlan Ellison is a feminist, God help us all. The Bob Packwood of SF. "

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

It's always the powerful and priviledges who seem to claim ownership of their time and who get to use it as a reference and an excuse, never the masses they've exploited, isn't it?

That's a really good point.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

I was not wrong, and, intellectually, I know that 100%, due to that final piece of evidence of his empty hands, but the 1% doubt never leaves. That's what they count on. And that's what they usually capitalize on. For the ones of us who gain the sureness to tell them off, there are 5 more they can count on never speaking out.

Absolutely correct. Whether they're harassers or outright stalkers, these guys specialize in knowing exactly where the line of plausible deniability is. Part of their craft is knowing that, even if they can't get a grope, they can still exercise power over you by making you shaken and uncertain.

Fuckers.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Yeah, they've been practicing this shit all their lives. As a woman in this culture, you never get to leave jr high school completely behind--there's always these guys to remind you the school yard's still there--it's just gotten wider. I guess we'll just keep refining our comeback lines then.

[tacnukesoul.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that whatever cultural mucus gland that produced that piece of work is still going strong. I'm glad you stood up to him - a little bit of doubt about getting away with it might get him to think twice. Or not.

I must admit even with all of my sensitivity training, I never got the whole impact of the rape problem until the sexual assault training I had to take last drill.

They explained (along with a fairly intense video reenactment) about how most of the rapes were predators using our social culture as "cover." They weren't out hiding with ski masks, but using sleazy tactics that always gave them a way out. Moreover, they took advantage of their victim by guile, using only enough force to get their way but at the same time always making the victim question their own judgement.

The best way to fix it is to educate in the short term while figuring out a way to alter the culture. If we'd remove their cover, they'd have a harder time staying hidden.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm sorry, too about that mucus gland and it's being as central as it is. And it's been a life long learning process for me too--when you're young you think, "oh, that's all been solved already--it's much better now . . . oops!" But anyway, this guy did where bright colors to tag himself and make his lurking hard to miss--hope he starts a trend in that. (-;

I don't know if I like them telling you there's this whole separate class of predators "over there somewhere," rather than predatory behavior normatively encouraged in frat culture, teen movies, and the like--it's more a gradual slippage from what's normatively tolerated and still often lauded as "boys will be boys" behavior. But you read Gin, too, so you know all this already.(-:

[morgan-dhu.livejournal.com]

Go you! There's a reason that public shaming is a part of the lexicon of social control, and oppressed people *must* start using it against those who keep doing things like this.

I had my own moment like this yesterday - I'd been to the doctor, and the handicapped access bus that I'd reserved to take me home couldn't get into the handicapped "loading zone" because someone had parked there (it's a standing only zone - car, bus, whatever, the driver is only supposed to be in that zone while dropping off or picking up a disabled passenger).

So I'm managing to get out to where the bus had to stop instead with the assistance of the driver and my partner, and along comes the driver of the parked car. So, I addressed him in my loudest voice, basically asking him why he was parked in a loading zone for disabled people where he wasn't supposed to be parked, and concluded my little diatribe with "You, sir, are a fucking asshole."

I felt good.

As for Harlan Ellison - it's always a profoundly difficult thing to process when someone who has done work of any kind that you like or admire turns out to either hold beliefs you abhor, or behave in person in ways that are profoundly fucked up and wrong. I've been through it I don't know how many times, and learning about Ellison's behaviour toward women (I hadn't heard of actual incidents befure, but in retrospect, there is something in the autobiographical bits and pieces in so much of his non-fiction that makes none of this all that unsurprising to me) just makes me very sad to discover that another person I had admired on account of their work turns out to be an asshole I'd rather not have anything to do with in real life.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Oh, it gets better even with Harlan--he just issued another statement:

http://wordweaverlynn.livejournal.com/303142.html?view=2659110

I think he must be practicing to play Iago, or Professor Quirrel, or the snarling unmasking soliloquy of any of a million villains in really bad B movies.

And ty. Sometimes you can't though and you have to be ready for them to snarl back, and it can be dangerous, so you have to be up for it. I think if the exchange went any further with me telling him off, then the "fat cow" type insults would have come flying, so I would have had to be up and ready for them.

And go you for getting a good one in. (-:

[morgan-dhu.livejournal.com]

Re: Ellison

Yes, I saw that piece of crap elsewhere - methinks Mr. Ellison is trying to juggle too many disparate and mutually exclusive rationalisations in the air at once: "I didn't really do hardly anything, but what I did was a bad thing and yet it's OK becasue that's just the kind of impish rascal I am, and besides it was provocative stage theatre but at the same time just a child-like impulse becasue I just knew that's what Connie was doing a set-up for and besides, I'm an ardent feminist who'd never do anything like that to my old and very dear friend Connie who deserves what I did to her because she's been tormenting me for 25 years but you can't say you saw me do it because I didn't."

Give me a break!

Re: speaking up

Yeah, we have to think of our own needs and vulnerabilities in choseing when to speak up, and speak up wisely, but even if we only do it when we're fully prepared and in situations when we feel safe enough/strong enough to proceed - that's going to make a difference if we all do it under those conditions, every time.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Though I didn't feel safe speaking up to that guy--just compelled enough, and the sure side of unsure enough, and with enough data on this kind of behavior, to take the chance.

I think it's good for people to let Connie Willis know they think she would be justified to tell him off or kick HE in the crotch, but don't like seeing some of the "she should have done" out there--her way was right as well.

[morgan-dhu.livejournal.com]

Some situations are safe, some are unsafe, some are inbetween - it's up to everyone who has a reason to speak both truth and righteous anger to power to decide when and how. And brava to you for doing it when you didn't feel safe. I think what I was trying to say is that there are times when we are safe and still don't speak up.

I mean, I was safe when I spoke out to the man who was parked in the drop-off zone - I was not only 100% in the right, but both my partner and a semi-official person in a uniform (my bus driver) were right beside me and it was a public street in broad daylight. But it was still hard for me to speak. For those of us who can, to speak out when we're not safe, is a courageous and important thing, but not everyone can do it. But even just to restrict our speaking out to when we are safe, would make a huge difference.

And you're also, I think, quite right about how some people are projecting their own preferred courses of action onto Connie Willis - it is completely up to her how she chooses to handle the incident.

Yes, I'm alive

[xibalba.livejournal.com]

That's disturbing! Stupid idiots.. Some of them are just disgusting OMG

I am too! We must be twins separted at birth!

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Yeah, they are. My come back line will be more biting next time--they better watch out, the fuckers!

And I'm ready to kick that fucker Harlan Ellison, too.

[ginmar.livejournal.com]

Plausible deniability. They always make it so that any response to their actions is visible, while by that time their actions are of course over. They're counting on women doubting themselves. Good for you that you didn't. The older I get the less I care what people think of me, so I just yell.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Yeah, they've been practicing this all their lives, but, man, that bright red shirt he was wearing shows that daily practice can't make you smart. (-;

Ty. And all your posting on the subject has helped make me sure enough to throw it back, so ty.

[tinyshel.livejournal.com]

Thank you for posting this. I found it really inspiring. I know exactly what you mean about the doubt and fear still lingering, and I think that's what keeps me from speaking up in these situations. Your post has given me courage.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to hear that. (-:

[womzilla.livejournal.com]

What a scumbag (and I use the term advisedly) in the dollar store! You can take good confidence in having completely demolished any pleasure he might have stolen from you; you might even have discouraged him from trying in the future.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I definitley took the fun out of stalking me away from him, but I highly doubt it will discourage him in the future because he spent quite a bit of time in the Dollar Store after I told him off. So he was undoubtedly working on other prey all ready--I did at least make him curtail his hunting grounds somewhat since he stayed away from the isles I was in afterwards.