I think trying to open a negotiation shows that you're willing to put effort into a continuing relationship BUT expect useful input from the person you're relating to (cos, bb, that's how healthy relationships work). It seems to me that it's as gentle and undemandy as you could be in that situation once you'd decided to act. Implosion (in this context): expressing aggression in a relationship through passive means (the usual would be cutting people and creating unpleasant atmospheres and... DENIABILITY!!1!!). Explosion (in this context): expressing aggression in a relationship through active means (e.g. ad hominem attacks on or about someone, lashing out in any other way). As you know, I'm into healthy anger as a positive motivating energy for change but I've never claimed it's easy to practice. There is, of course, a possiblity that she has mental health problems that prevent her having healthy relationships BUT (1) someone incapable of fairly consistent basic healthy relationships is probably unsuitable as a group facilitator (although, let's be honest, this rarely stops people cos abuse and lack of self-knowledge we humans haz them), and (2) people are responsible for managing their own mental health problems (or appointing a designated driver for when they can't deal, e.g. I've been a volunteer mental health advocate, I've had someone successfully negotiate with me via an advocate/friend after I inadvertantly triggered them, and I've used a volunteer advocate at an official meeting with a problematic government representative) and mental illness DOESN'T entitle anyone to damage other people (you made your lack of consent for a damaging relationship clear). Although I'm just covering all the obv possibilities (cos I understood you to be asking for discussion :-P ) and she was probably merely an arse.
Do you think anyone in the group you left got anything from your explanation, and did anyone reach out to support you?
Oh, bb, that's a looong story and we'd need alcohol and chocolate, hee! The calling-out went better than most but that's because I'm unusually skilled (offline only) at explaining and demonstrating healthy relationship. The group were also unusual and, individually, mostly capable of responding appropriately to my calling out of their chosen-leader-in-whom-they-had-some-investment. One woman, who subsequently admitted she is a mildly self-punishing perfectionist, accused me of demanding perfection from the group leader (lol, no, I never set standards I couldn't aim for myself!). One of the group leader's two minions demonstrated hostile body language towards me and hugged his leader (which was sweet-ish but misplaced loyalty). I didn't return to the group (as I was attending to acquire skill not to educate people in group facilitation) and didn't ask for or receive a refund of my course fee (£48, which I could afford as a penalty for my foolishness in signing up for a group someone I trust had already subtly flagged to me AND that I'd been dubious about during my one previous encounter).
I hope the one you're avoiding does not get in your way with another incident.
I'm in a position to avoid finding out (which is why I'm still in). My problematic person is elderly, a product of mainstream prejudices, and not, afaik, a person of ill intent. I shall resort to my tried and tested strategy of out-living her!!1!! (Although I recently realised I'm now to old for this to apply in as many cases as I might like and I need a new strategy... ;-)
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ILU, BB!
Date: 2012-08-18 12:22 pm (UTC)Do you think anyone in the group you left got anything from your explanation, and did anyone reach out to support you?
Oh, bb, that's a looong story and we'd need alcohol and chocolate, hee! The calling-out went better than most but that's because I'm unusually skilled (offline only) at explaining and demonstrating healthy relationship. The group were also unusual and, individually, mostly capable of responding appropriately to my calling out of their chosen-leader-in-whom-they-had-some-investment. One woman, who subsequently admitted she is a mildly self-punishing perfectionist, accused me of demanding perfection from the group leader (lol, no, I never set standards I couldn't aim for myself!). One of the group leader's two minions demonstrated hostile body language towards me and hugged his leader (which was sweet-ish but misplaced loyalty). I didn't return to the group (as I was attending to acquire skill not to educate people in group facilitation) and didn't ask for or receive a refund of my course fee (£48, which I could afford as a penalty for my foolishness in signing up for a group someone I trust had already subtly flagged to me AND that I'd been dubious about during my one previous encounter).
I hope the one you're avoiding does not get in your way with another incident.
I'm in a position to avoid finding out (which is why I'm still in). My problematic person is elderly, a product of mainstream prejudices, and not, afaik, a person of ill intent. I shall resort to my tried and tested strategy of out-living her!!1!! (Although I recently realised I'm now to old for this to apply in as many cases as I might like and I need a new strategy... ;-)
ILU, BB!