It's almost 3 weeks since I lost my beautiful girl. The first 2 weeks were definitely the worst with all the second guessing and self berating and pity of her passing--this week has been up and down but a little higher up the spiral of being able to accept her passing and just grieving and missing her. I had the pleasure of phone conversations with ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
grey_wonderer and zlabya the past week and that helped immensely--thank you my friends. And thank you so much for all the support in wonderful comments you have all been giving me. I am very grateful to have you helping me get through my new life without my pirate, princess, and steel-driving cat with me.
For the last couple of years, Saki would more often than not sleep at night in her little bed next to my pillow. Often times when I'd reach over my hand, she'd wrap her paw around it or my wrist, or lay her head in my hand, or both. There was a time she used to sleep on my pillow around my head purring in winter--that was definitely before my hot flashes and my acquiring a chillow. Wherever she was, she always loved for me to lower my head so she could snuffle the very top of my head for a few moments, like Galadriel kissing Frodo's head.
Her sleeping habits changed every few months throughout her life. Sometimes she slept in bed with me, sometimes for part of the night, and sometimes not at all. I know there was a long while, way back, when she would only sleep at my feet , and a while way back when it would be Milli on one side of my legs and Saki on the other.
There were times way back she would sleep under the covers, and I don't think it was a long period, but there were times she'd sleep against my belly and chest and let me curl around her, and that was as sweet as her pillow times. But that time I know was brief and was followed by a longer period of her always trying to sleep against me with her butt in my face. I'd try to turn her around, but only succeed in getting her stubborn self part way turned and we'd leave it at that, or other times she'd protest and leave--times of squabble between us. (-:
The last several months, since February or March, she would not come to bed at all and I do not know why. I'd many times bring her to bed and she'd stay a little while and purr as I pet her, but would in a short time jump down and away. I had steps against the bed, so she could get up--she had used them some over the winter. She did have a bed on the futon in the living room she spent much of the day and night in and she had no trouble jumping up on there. But the bed is higher, and even though there where steps, perhaps it was too much effort to use if she wanted to pee or drink, both of which she did frequently and did spend a good part of the day sitting on a rug between her drinking bowls and the litter boxes.
She and Moo often competed for jumping access to the bed, and perhaps Moo had won out as Saki's arthritis was getting worse, and Saki had ceded the territory to her. Or perhaps Saki was just going through a period where she just preferred the futon, ottoman, and rug to bed sleeping, or perhaps sleeping with me due to changes in my scent, or breathing/snoring, or sleep motions were a deterrent for the time being. I will never know. But in the end, I am grateful. As much as I missed her being in bed the last several months, the last couple of weeks would have been so very much harder to sleep and so distressing at night if I had been used to her in bed up to the end. I had gotten used to missing her in bed before she died. Thank you, sweetie.
But since she varied her sleeping the last few months between her bed on the ottoman and her bed on the futon in the living room, I am very glad I slept on the futon next to her on the ottoman her last 2 nights and mornings after the surgery, some of the time with my arm around her as we rested. I will cherish that time always, and I hope it was an equal comfort to her in her last days.
For the first week after Saki died, Tuxie stopped coming to bed and spent all his time in the living room. He's been sleeping a lot in one of the 2 new beds I got for Saki the day she died--the one she had slept in briefly in her last hours--it is lined in black fur and he is camouflaged in it, but I suspect it is more to do with her scent that he is spending his time there. I think it is part of his mourning process. He has definitely been looking for her and doing some sitting in Saki's spots on the futon and ottoman. He is cuddling with me on and off, a little on more, during the day on the sofa. Moo is hardly coming into the living room at all, only coming into the kitchen to eat and spending the rest of her time in the bedroom and sunroom--I think she is reacting to the disturbance in the Force of Saki's absence by fleeing. As usual, she does not come when I call, but she has been staying in bed with me most of the night. I do not know if she misses Saki at all, as Tuxie does, but I am sure she finds her absence unsettling. It's just going to take time for us.
I so want my Saki back.
grey_wonderer and zlabya the past week and that helped immensely--thank you my friends. And thank you so much for all the support in wonderful comments you have all been giving me. I am very grateful to have you helping me get through my new life without my pirate, princess, and steel-driving cat with me.
For the last couple of years, Saki would more often than not sleep at night in her little bed next to my pillow. Often times when I'd reach over my hand, she'd wrap her paw around it or my wrist, or lay her head in my hand, or both. There was a time she used to sleep on my pillow around my head purring in winter--that was definitely before my hot flashes and my acquiring a chillow. Wherever she was, she always loved for me to lower my head so she could snuffle the very top of my head for a few moments, like Galadriel kissing Frodo's head.
Her sleeping habits changed every few months throughout her life. Sometimes she slept in bed with me, sometimes for part of the night, and sometimes not at all. I know there was a long while, way back, when she would only sleep at my feet , and a while way back when it would be Milli on one side of my legs and Saki on the other.
There were times way back she would sleep under the covers, and I don't think it was a long period, but there were times she'd sleep against my belly and chest and let me curl around her, and that was as sweet as her pillow times. But that time I know was brief and was followed by a longer period of her always trying to sleep against me with her butt in my face. I'd try to turn her around, but only succeed in getting her stubborn self part way turned and we'd leave it at that, or other times she'd protest and leave--times of squabble between us. (-:
The last several months, since February or March, she would not come to bed at all and I do not know why. I'd many times bring her to bed and she'd stay a little while and purr as I pet her, but would in a short time jump down and away. I had steps against the bed, so she could get up--she had used them some over the winter. She did have a bed on the futon in the living room she spent much of the day and night in and she had no trouble jumping up on there. But the bed is higher, and even though there where steps, perhaps it was too much effort to use if she wanted to pee or drink, both of which she did frequently and did spend a good part of the day sitting on a rug between her drinking bowls and the litter boxes.
She and Moo often competed for jumping access to the bed, and perhaps Moo had won out as Saki's arthritis was getting worse, and Saki had ceded the territory to her. Or perhaps Saki was just going through a period where she just preferred the futon, ottoman, and rug to bed sleeping, or perhaps sleeping with me due to changes in my scent, or breathing/snoring, or sleep motions were a deterrent for the time being. I will never know. But in the end, I am grateful. As much as I missed her being in bed the last several months, the last couple of weeks would have been so very much harder to sleep and so distressing at night if I had been used to her in bed up to the end. I had gotten used to missing her in bed before she died. Thank you, sweetie.
But since she varied her sleeping the last few months between her bed on the ottoman and her bed on the futon in the living room, I am very glad I slept on the futon next to her on the ottoman her last 2 nights and mornings after the surgery, some of the time with my arm around her as we rested. I will cherish that time always, and I hope it was an equal comfort to her in her last days.
For the first week after Saki died, Tuxie stopped coming to bed and spent all his time in the living room. He's been sleeping a lot in one of the 2 new beds I got for Saki the day she died--the one she had slept in briefly in her last hours--it is lined in black fur and he is camouflaged in it, but I suspect it is more to do with her scent that he is spending his time there. I think it is part of his mourning process. He has definitely been looking for her and doing some sitting in Saki's spots on the futon and ottoman. He is cuddling with me on and off, a little on more, during the day on the sofa. Moo is hardly coming into the living room at all, only coming into the kitchen to eat and spending the rest of her time in the bedroom and sunroom--I think she is reacting to the disturbance in the Force of Saki's absence by fleeing. As usual, she does not come when I call, but she has been staying in bed with me most of the night. I do not know if she misses Saki at all, as Tuxie does, but I am sure she finds her absence unsettling. It's just going to take time for us.
I so want my Saki back.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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still here and listening.
sending many good thoughts to you and your kitties.
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They need the good wishes. I am glad I could telework on Thursday and Friday--Tuxie seeks comfort with me on and off and licked my hand for the first time--he is missing Saki, so I'm glad he will let me console him. Moo is disturbed when I mourn and runs away, poor kitty.
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*snuggles*
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Your love means so much--I couldn't get through this without that.
Poor Mooshka runs away when I start crying. Tuxie and I are giving each other comfort.
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Kitty sleeping patterns is kind of a fascinating subject :-)
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Care to expound on kitty sleep patterns here or in an entry?
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along the 'pillow kitteh' theme, a Saki haiku:
A certain pillow.
A certain eternal friending:
Certainly Saki.
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The softest pillows
With no sweet purrs amongst them
Bring paltry comforts.
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((LT)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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