Saki is gone

[lavendertook]

My baby is dead.



Her breathing continued very labored this evening and didn't settle out again after a while as it had been doing all weekend--it had been labored earlier in the evening but it got better for a while as she laid her chin on my hand, but then it got bad again and she just couldn't get comfortable and kept fleeing, so I put her in her crate, and took her to the emergency clinic. She touched my fingers through the grate a few times in a frantic way and I talked and sang to her, but on our way there about 11 pm I heard her breathing stop suddenly, and knew she was gone. They pronounced her dead at the clinic. I petted her empty body and left her with them to have her cremated and her ashes will be sprinkled along with other pets at an orchard in Pennsylvania. claudia603, I sent her wrapped in the wool blankie you made her that she loved to sit on.

Maybe if I didn't hesitate and left earlier, she could have been saved, but it was just as likely she could have been poked and prodded, and then died alone in a cage kept all night under observation. I hesitated because of that, because I didn't know if being seen by a vet who didn't know her would help, and that her symptoms weren't different than the vet tech saw yesterday at our vets when Saki choked up before she gave her the sub cut fluids, and I didn't want to put her through more poking and perhaps being left for overnight observation in a strange metal place alone that might not have been able to help anyway, and she had been so up and down this weekend, though the downs were getting longer, and I was hoping she could hold out to be seen by her doctor tomorrow to know if the throat stitches could come out.

I hate that she suffered a lot this weekend, but she also purred some and I brushed her a lot and we cuddled this morning and I am so glad I slept on the futon next to her the last 2 nights, and I stroked her as she rested her head in my hand this evening. Maybe it was not worse than dying unconscious in surgery or being peacefully euthanized. Like the cats I had euthanized, Gabby and Milli, she told me it was time, and for them it was right and peaceful as I held them--but Saki, it IS like her forceful self to leave on her own terms and not wait to be euthanized. And we were still together at the end.

But my heart is so broken. She is so wrapped around it. 17 is a ripe age, and for the last few years, I feared losing her many times and at those times did not expect her to get this far--every day was a gift, but I so wanted her to be here healthy and happy longer still. Still, I was treating all last week like my possible last week with her with knots in my stomach all week--I knew what surgery can mean. But I also knew what a big ass fast-growing tumor could do as well, so we had to try. Oh, my clever, loving, empathetic, determined, and adorable little girl, bringer of the extreme cute, I miss you so so so much. I am going to miss all the wonderful things you did and were. She was truly an amazing being.

Tuxie is beside me. I don't know when he will realize she is gone for good or how it will be for him--he adored her.

No more Sakiness. How can there be no more Saki? My world is immensely shrunken.

Comments

[bibliogramma]

I am so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.

[lavendertook]

Thank you--and you've been here before as bibliogramma and I didn't remember who you were--that you are Morgan Dhu. I need to add this account. She was such a wonderful being. I am trying to wrap all the years I got with her around me.

[morgan_dhu]

i think that all of us whose lives have been entwined with those of a beloved cat companion understand what you are going through. It has been many years since I had to say farewell to my Cleo, but her memory still lightens my heart. Once the sharp pain of Saki's passing has dimmed, I hope her memory will give you joy.

[lavendertook]

Still struggling with the cope of surgical failure and loss of her bright spirit.

[spiralsheep]

17 is an amazing age for a cat, especially a rescued cat. I know you loved her. More importantly, she knew you loved her. You did everything you could for her. You knew when to push and also when to let her go. Now love yourself and allow yourself proper mourning.

[lavendertook]

Yes, she made it to the upper end of the expected life span of an indoor cat--not shabby at all, and 20 years would still not have been enough time to have with such a being. We were in tune to her last moment. I think I've finished my 2 day inner court martial of internalized anger, and hope I can just mourn being without her now. <3

[wordweaverlynn]

Oh, I am so very sorry for your loss. It's very little consolation, but you did everything for her that you could, including giving her lots of love and care.

[lavendertook]

Thank you, bb. She would have had less suffering if she died in surgery, but I think she chose to spend one more weekend with me, and I spent every moment I could with her, her last gift to me.

[hederahelix]

I am so sad to hear this news. I was rooting for her to pull through. You gave Saki such good quality life and love, but I also know that that's probaby not much comfort right now. I'll continue to keep you and yours in my thoughts since you will be grieving, understandably so, for a while. {{{hugs}}}

[lavendertook]

Thank you for rooting. I miss her so much. Hugs and understanding help. *hugs tight*

[ink_gypsy]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You shouldn't second guess yourself about what you should have done differently because I know you did everything right. There are just some things we have no control over. I hope you can take comfort in the wonderful life Saki had because of you.*hugs*

[lavendertook]

Thank you. I'm working on letting go of the second guessing and just do the clean mourning of not being with her anymore and wrap all my memories of her around me, with her fur that should still pop up here and there on clothes and furniture for many years, and that thought gives me comfort. *hugs*

[untonuggan]

♥

i'm so sorry for your loss. there are no good words for these kinds of situations. it just...sucks. i send much love your way, and Tuxie's.

[lavendertook]

Thank you. I miss her so much. I'm keeping an eye on Tuxie--I can't tell if he is mourning her or not yet.

[lotesse]

i'm so sorry for your loss

[lavendertook]

Thank you.

[crantz]

I'm so sorry. I'm glad she was with you at the end. Saki was an excellent cat.

[lavendertook]

Thank you, bb. I'm glad I was with her, too. We stayed in tune to her last moment. She was an incredibly charming being to live with.

[ide_cyan]

My condolences.

[lavendertook]

Thank you.

[zlabya]

I'm so, so sorry. There's never enough time with our beloved feline companions, and I'm sorry she had some suffering but grateful she passed away on her own terms, and with your voice in her ears and her touch on your fingers. Such a lovely Saki. I hope you and your other cats can comfort each other a little. :;gentle hugs::

[lavendertook]

Thank you. It's very quiet here without her--I miss her so much. It's hard. Moo couldn't care less, and Tuxie is a little affected, but mosty OK and to himself.

I'm sorry i didn't get back to you on walking, but I think you understand the timing was just bad. I'll message you my phone number. I am around and would love to have company to walk or go eat. I'm thinking of going to a book centered sf con, Capclave in Gaithersburg tomorrow. If you want to go, or have other ideas, let me know.

[monkey5s]

Oh, how painful. I am sorry that I had been away from DW so I missed the whole crisis and this. I am sorry, so very sorry, for your loss. Reading how devastated this has left you seems to have given me permission to sob anew over my own heart kitty, Kia, who died five years ago. Not that I don't love the rest of them, but losing her was worse than any before- or since.

Still, every time I mourn her, it gets a little easier. I hope you can find comfort in knowing you did absolutely the very best you possibly could for your girl, while still letting her be her own special, stubborn self. I'm wishing you strength, and peace. Rest in peace, Saki the Beloved.

[lavendertook]

I remember your Kia. Some of them hold bigger chunks of our hearts than others, even if we want to give them all equal love, those ones just steal the bigger chunks with their extra loving. *hugs*

Intellectually, I know you are right, but surgical failure is its own special kind of hell, and the what ifs keep coming back once you think you are done with them. I just miss her bright spirit so much.