4 Weeks without My Saki

[lavendertook]

I came across this sweet song vid yesterday by Meghan Trainor, and I have to say I really did love my Saki like I was going to lose her and was often brought to tears by something sweet she would do. She came to me 4 years after I lost petite meezer Stormie terribly when she was only 9, and my world came crashing down. It did take a couple of years for me to stop comparing Saki with Stormie and fully love all her similar, but not quite the same ways, as well as her different ways. She got to live out the full lifespan Storm did not, and I was constantly aware of Saki's eventual loss, and fearing it. I thought in some ways it was a wounded way to love and a sign of my brokenness, but maybe it is just a way of maturely loving in full understanding of our mortality. I never took my Saki for granted, and am grateful for all the cherished moments, and I do not regret wasted time not loving her the best I could. But 4 weeks ago, I learned the real reason why Sunday nights are so sad.


My high spirited girl on her lookout tower, about to fling her toys about.





Today is a Day of the Dead, when the lines between the worlds are permeable, if they exist, and Saki brought me a last gift. For the first time in 20 years, I can see Stormie's living face again in my mind's eye. When poor Stormie died, she heaved her way violently out of this world in my arms, and I lost all ability to recall any of her expressions but the terrible, tortured death mask she wore in that moment. I later came to understand this as PTSD. The last few days I've been seeing the determined way Storm would look at me when she was climbing up my leg like I was her f---king Everest. Today, I can finally recall her loving looks again.

So I'm thinking Saki is finally feeling well enough at Primroses to get up and look around, maybe due to all the hubbub of lovely Smudge's memorial service today, and she just met Stormie. Nurturing being that Saki is, she's taken that lost little baby in. After all, Saki is quite used to grooming 9 year olds like Stormie, having lately been taking care of 9 year old Tuxie. I'd like to think Saki and Stormie are loving on each other while they wait on different aged versions of me, and calitabby Milli is sitting in her sunny spot in the window, stretching forth a paw, and watching them lovingly, as was her way. Little old tabby Gabby, who I only had a few months, is sweetly sitting nearby, waiting to cuddle up with them.


Thank you, my fluff dragon. I miss you so very much and will never stop loving you.

Comments

Wrote this for a beloved friend who lost one of her furbabies last spring

[kerkevik_2014]

Poem for a cat I never met

I touch them as they snuggle; feeling tears for you
I remember friends I have lost who comforted me as they do;
feeling tears for you
I recall a Rabbit who made me cry; outwitting one of them;
feeling tears for when you made her laugh
I know they are lost; I felt lost when they died; whom I loved
I know that these three who have stolen my heart will
one day
make me feel these tears, as they feel tears
Tears I feel for you
though I never met you
I knew you because they loved you
Farewell; friend. Rest now by the fire, and sleep.

for Arline, my friend; Chloe who is still with her,
and for
GrPr. Devorgilla Morgan - Kira - 03/02/97 - 28/03/15.

I have three adopted kittehs of my own; adopted when they were all a little older than your Storm.

The one in the icon was just past ten when I took that picture.

kerk

Re: Wrote this for a beloved friend who lost one of her furbabies last spring

[lavendertook]

Thank you. My 10 year old Moo greets your icon kitty.

[zlabya]

I'm so grateful you received the gift of seeing your Stormie's contented face again. And I have an idea of how you felt about Saki and her impending mortality--ever since Ivan was about 7 (and I read that his life expectancy might be only 10-14 years) I became aware of how limited our time might be. (Now I know his expectancy, especially with his health, is closer to 16 years or more). Sometimes I'll turn around, even if I'm late to work, and give him one last pet. Just in case it's the last time. I'm like that with my husband too.

[lavendertook]

I always say "I love you," to the home kitties when I leave for work in the morning with hopes the building won't burn down in my absence, so yeah. *hugs*

[gale_storm]

Awww... Reading this is making me tear up and sniffle. Beautifully written...

[lavendertook]

Thank you. <3

[grey-wonderer.livejournal.com]

When they do leave us, it is such a comfort to know that we did all we could and that we didn't allow ourselves to miss something. (Hugs)

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

I hope you are feeling that, too--your dear Saturn was so loved. *hugs*

[mererid.livejournal.com]

This is a lovely post. *hugs*

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Thank you, hon! *hugs*

[baranduin.livejournal.com]

How wonderful that Stormie and Saki can finally meet and hang together.

This is a lovely post, thank you.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the narrative framework to allow me to imagine them together happy, taking care of each other at Primroses.

Saki fell for Tuxie when he was 6 months and half her size, before he became a big honking buffalo who could beat her up while adoring her. Storm stayed probably 2/3 of Saki's size at most, and it's possible they would have charmed each other. Storm's been alone these 20 years--she needs Saki to give her that mothering she's good at and bring her the love we got to share for so much longer.

<3

[verangel.livejournal.com]

I am feeling every bit of this post for your babies. Honestly Saki was gorgeous and so full of love for you and contentment. You gave her a good life and she gave to you. That is being the best parent. We all wish they lived longer to be with us but they can't. She is with you though forever. Hugs you. She was and always will be beautiful.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Thank you, bb. She was a beautiful soul. I can't wish she were here longer now that I have her in my head taking care of beautiful Stormie, who has needed her these 20 years. Saki is with me forever--an amazing presence in my life for 16 wonderful years, and now she and Stormie are with me forever--Saki has restored Stormie to me. Leave it to her to take care of me, too, beyond death.

[i-o-r-h-a-e-l.livejournal.com]

*hugs you*

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[addie71.livejournal.com]

What a lovely post. *hugs*

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Thank you. *hugs*

[jan-u-wine.livejournal.com]

so wonderful that you captured so many lovely memories of her. Your world is a sadder place, but it is only sadder in direct proportion to the joy and love she gave and received! *hugs you*

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Yes, she was an amazing cat being. My world is sadder, but more whole because she was in it--a hole that completes the whole. *squishes*

[shirebound]

This is a beautiful post, my dear one. I'm just speechless with love and tenderness for you, and your good, open heart.

I never took my Saki for granted, and am grateful for all the cherished moments

That's the best way to love, and to remember. And thank goodness for Primroses.

*so much love*

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tight* Thank you, my friend.

L & H's gift of Primroses helps me so much to hold Saki's nurturing presence close to me still.<3

[mews1945.livejournal.com]

This is beautiful, dear heart. Saki was a lovely girl, and lucky to be with you in her life.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Thank you, my friend. She was a beautiful cat being and it was my great good fortune to have found her in my life.

[hanarobi.livejournal.com]

Primroses of the Rainbow Bridge is a lovely healing place. For us. And for our darling pets. I broke down sobbing just yesterday thinking that as much as I was ripped open, missing my Smudge reaching up to purr in my face, that his sister Sophie, who died two years ago, was very happy and that her time waiting for her beloved brother to be with her again was at an end. My Sophie is at peace. And I had to let Smudge go in order for that to happen.

My grief continues. My tears continue. The loss is overwhelming and just crushes me. But then I can think that Sophie is thrilled to have her beloved brother and litter mate with her again.

There is comfort there. So your Saki is now making sure Stormie is okay.

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tight* I found the first 2 weeks were equally brutal, but the third brought a little lightening of the weight and a dulling of the sharpness of the shattered pieces piercing the heart. I wish I could help ease you on the way, my friend. Be gentle with yourself.

It still hurts at week 4, of course, and there are tears, but I'm ready to see Saki at Primroses curled up with Storm, taking comfort together, and it is so lightening my heart. And yes, how can I sob that I want her back, that I want more time, when Storm has been waiting 20 years for the comfort Saki is bringing her now. I thank you and Lora so much for this comfort.

If love and imagination could pull worlds into being, then our babies are there at Primroses in full contentment, Saki and Storm curled up in a chair on one side of the fire and Smudge sitting on and Sofie in a chair on the other side.

[lbilover.livejournal.com]

Once you've been blindsided by loss, it does make you understand how precious our time with our loved ones is. I don't doubt Saki knew that and felt loved and cherished every moment. *hugs*

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

Thank you, bb. She brought me so much, and still does. *hugs*